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uNiQuE_23
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Name: Allie
Birthday: 11/9/1990
Gender: Female
Interests: Ok. firstly and mainly *CHRIST* yes i am a Christian and proud of it! i love music, and movies, and acting, and all sorts of stuff that i'm sure you don't care about. did i mention i really like movies? how about music? yep.
Expertise: i have an expertise in idiocy.
Message: message me
AIM:  mollymurph2
Member Since:
11/23/2004
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| I feel that I am bipolar, or at least, very unstable emotionally. Not that this is anything new, I believe I have been this way all my life, and that most people deal with this issue--but I have recently begun charting the course of my emotions. The smallest of events can indirectly sway my attitude, and the presence, or lack thereof, of even a single person in my life controls the ups and downs of my day. Why? Perhaps because I invest. I invest myself in relationships and people entirely, living my days according to the actions of others. I have always understood the problem of this lifestyle, but that does not make it any easier to reverse. Because, when you allow how you feel to directly relate to how others treat you, you assuredly set yourself up for less than what you had expected. Guaranteed. I am knowing this. How do I change this behaviour? A simple solution most difficult to enforce.
I invest myself in solid truth, steering clear of uncertain emotion. Senior year I learned a valid and life-changing lesson: the truth and knowledge of God surpasses any fleeting emotion I may feel as a result of Him. I dislike that Christianity has evolved into a purely experiential, emotional state when there is so much more and greater than that. God is an eternal and everlasting truth, something that no emotion can convey--and I rely far too much on emotion. So i am learning how to discipline myself to *know* God, based on the truths of Christianity, even when I can not feel God. Because feelings can mislead and misguide, and to replace truth with emotion is foolish.
Hours later, I revisit this post. Today has been a reflective day for me--though it disappoints me that the most likely reason for this is the gray rain and cool temperature. I don't wish to fall into the cliche of only accepting sunny weather; in fact, I love rain, and this kind of weather. Maybe that's why it has inspired me to consider myself. Maybe the rant thus far is completely useless. Then again, it usually always is. Anyhow, I have noticed something. Very rarely in any of my posts do I ever address issues specifically in relation to my life, and very rarely do I ever mention God. I'm not entirely sure I could give a good reason for this other than my thoughts themselves don't address the specifics--or perhaps the details frighten me much more than I'd like to admit, so I remain in broad waters, where I can safely roam.
Although, knowing that seldom ever read xanga anymore is why I come to write here in the first place, so why haven't I been more direct? I cannot say. But today I decided to actually say something meaningful, instead of witty, wordy crap that carries no purpose to anyone. Not like I want anyone to read this; I think I rely way too much on the fact that no one reads these. At least I hope that to be the case.
My thoughts wander too fast for my typing to keep up. Disorganization labels my musing.
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| It's an interesting day. I nearly lost it, in fact i may yet still. New week ahead. Here it goes. Geez, why did I ever think I was strong enough for this? Too bad I don't really have a choice.
John 16:33
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| In less than a year I could be living in Switzerland. I've applied to the yearlong study abroad program in Lausanne, Switzerland for next year. While I couldn't be more excited for the possibilities of this experience, I can't believe the reality of what it means. To live in another country for a year. I've never done anything like that before, who knows what could happen. I could learn a whole host of things, experience another life, become another person. And i'm not scared. not yet anyhow. Similar to my mystical lack of feeling homesick or lonely, I haven't once thought about not studying abroad. In fact, my only conflict was whether to chose London or Lausanne. I had always been set on studying in London, because that's what Alan did. But it occurred to me that there were so many other options--and suddenly Lausanne seemed to fit. And so I applied. I've taken a leap and I hope for the best.
After all, this is the only life I've got. | | |
| A whole host of emotions finally coming alive in me led me to come to xanga. I find this interesting because most of the time I come here in the hopes of explaining away my thoughts, concerns, etc, yet I end up ranting about something entirely different and unrelated to my life. So I will most likely end up ranting once more, but perhaps tonight it shall be more directed to my life at the moment.
I'm taking this English Composition class as a part of me GE requirements. My professor is young and sarcastic and seems to really enjoy his subject. However, I find it humorous that after two classes he has already set me up for failure. I have never really been an organized or well-thought out writer, but I can spin crap into whatever 5 paragraph essay I was supposed to in high school. Today in class my professor proudly exclaimed that he considered this structure to be plain awful. He proceeded to tell us that thesis statements most certainly don't need to begin your essay and the structure of your essay should relate essentially to your main points. So here's the issue--being a mediocre writer at best to begin with, I now have to completely reconstruct everything I've ever learned about writing and forming essays. Needless to say, I don't foresee this class being easy for me. Oh, and did I mention we're required to have our essays critiqued by the entire class? yea. soo excited for that part. oh wait. not even a little bit.
Surprisingly enough, I haven't felt homesick once so far. Granted, I unexpectedly felt a lump rise in my throat as I said goodbye to my parents, but after that? Well I've been doing just fine. So i'm not upset because i'm missing the life i left behind, i'm upset because i feel like i should be. So i've come up with a couple plausible reasons why this is; more to assuage my own concerns than to convince me otherwise:
1. I have still only been away from home for 2 weeks, which I have experienced before--so until later notice, when I exceed that record of being away from home, will I being to feel saddened by it
2. I have been so incredibly busy with orientation, class, work, and what not that i haven't allowed myself adequate time to realize that i'm an entire country away from my home.
So for now, those are my excuses, and i will cling to them in hopes that i can maintain my composure throughout the semester. I have yet to find a secluded room equipped with a piano for me to use, but the main building and student center have one. The key here is to arrive late at night when no one else is there. So tonight, at 11:06 PM, I will walk across campus to relieve my emotion through music. Until further notice, Goodnight. | | |
| Perhaps because I'm sick of the useless and obnoxious flaws of my being, or because it only seems natural given this new chapter of my life, but I want more than the life I'm living. Not more grandeur, more friends, more love, more emotion--I want more meaning, more drive, more purpose. I came to Pepperdine for a reason, and I'm going to support that reason by creating a lifestyle with more God. I will fall short. My human nature guarantees it. But I have God. When I have nothing else at all, I have my Father. Maybe I've always known that, been told it a hundred times, but now I wish to live by it. At least, I am going to try. Here goes my life.
Missing the black and white keys more than I expected. | | |
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